Hearing that an empty nester is upsizing—moving to a much larger home—might make you wonder . . . Why? It made me wonder.
Let’s just say I have a friend. She and her husband have worked hard all of their lives, scrimped and saved, and now that their children are grown and gone, they are planning to sell everything and build a brand new five-bedroom Victorian on a dozen or so acres somewhere in the middle of nowhere with a great big kitchen, cherry cabinets, and a kazillion copper pans hanging over the kitchen’s massive center island.
Bedrooms will be large, each having it’s own full bath—comfort for the kids when they come to visit. The dining room will seat 20—he more, the merrier. My friend plans to have dozens of fruit trees, a deluxe vegetable garden, and a huge windowed solarium just off the kitchen where she’ll grow flowers year round and let her caged birds fly free.
Sounds lovely, sounds like a lot of work. I can’t help but wonder . . . Why? Why big? Why would she want so much space now that her nest is empty?
With girlish excitement, she told me how she goes on eBay every day to buy copper pans. She has big, small, medium, flat, you name it, stock pots, fry pans, boiler plates, and sauté . . . at least three sets, I think she said. All are boxed in her attic waiting for her new dream kitchen. She’s proud as a peacock, and I’m wondering . . . Why? Why does she need three copper sauté pans? And why would she buy expensive copper pots and pans that will need to be polished regularly?
I asked, “How in the world are you going to manage?”
The cost of upsizing
I wasn’t talking about the initial cost of building the house. All things considered, if you have the cash, building the house is the easy part. But it takes a lot of money to maintain a big house. You have monthly bills (mortgage, utilities, insurance, taxes). Repairs and maintenance. Heating a solarium during an Ohio winter won’t be cheap. And, let’s not forget, the extra cost for cases of copper polish and bird seed. It all adds up to quite a bit of cash that eats into a retirement fund quicker than you think.
Did she honestly want to work the rest of her life? Who did she think was going to clean that big house? Weed that garden? Prune the trees? Pick the fruit? Mow the acres of grass? Polish the copper? Wash the solarium windows? Clean up the crap from all those loose birds flying around?
OK, so maybe her husband would help. He’s a great guy. They’ve been married for over 30 years, and I don’t remember him ever giving her even a minute of grief. He’s changed diapers, cooked, cleaned, did laundry and whatever he could whenever she wanted. But geez . . . they deserve a break. Aren’t they a little old to be upsizing?
The answer is no.
It’s never too late to realize your dreams
Having an empty nest does not necessarily mean you must automatically downsize, reduce your living space, and live on a smaller scale. Nor does it mean that you have to give up on dreams and desires, toss them out, and start over with less. Simplifying is about doing what you love and surrounding yourself with those people and things that enhance the quality of your life and are essential to your happiness.
These things my friend wants are important to her. They have been on her Wish List since she was first married. She and her husband are finally at a point in their lives where they can make that dream come true. It might be a little larger, a little more expensive to maintain, a little more work than I would want; but it’s their vision of a happy, rewarding life, and they’re entitled to pursue it.
There is a youthful glow that comes with hope. My friend radiates happiness, and her joy and excitement are highly contagious.
Even though I love the simplicity that comes with a more minimalistic life, it got me thinking. I wouldn’t mind having a sweet little screened-in porch or sun room off my kitchen. A nice, quiet place to sit, read, and watch the ducks play in the pond. Flowers, yes, and hanging ferns, but no copper anything, and I’ll pass on the birds.
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I know this post is old, but I wanted to comment. I hope your friends are happy in their new situation and it is everything they hope it would be.
I had the same exact dream. And did the exact same thing. I shopped and collected for several years in anticipation of moving into my old stone home dream house. I bought a library of gardening books. Collected decorating scrapbooks to old houses. We moved back to our home state in the east after 11 years in Arizona. We bought the huge old house for family entertaining, a huge pool and acreage, gardens. The works. We are 8 1/2 years in and . . . we are finishing fixing up the house (we bought an old farmhouse to rehab) to . . . put on the market.
Yes, we are moving BACK to Phoenix and into a home, hopefully, less than half the size we have now or had in Phx before. We are leaving,just as soon as our son finishes up at our state university in December.
We were gung ho for the first few years in our ‘dream’ home—it was our ‘dream property’ after all. Then it started to get old (shock—we were getting older, too, though we are in good shape), but we kind of hid it from each other. When we finally both admitted it, we figured we were ‘stuck’—as all our family were here, and our daughter planned to stay east forever. Plus, we had made such a big deal over our ‘dream.’
So we soldiered on another year. Our daughter got married this year, and that did it. We felt like we had stuck it out long enough. Having all of our extended families nearby was great, but not as great as we had originally thought it would be, and the entertaining was more exhausting and stressful than I could have imagined. All we do is yard work and rehabbing the house work. And all our money was going to it as well.
So we are finishing it up on it quick, and cannot wait to leave. Sometimes your ‘dreams’ can be very misguided or dated, but you haven’t faced up to it. People change, but sometimes you forget to update your dreams!! We are in our late 50’s now and want to travel as well as enjoy year ’round hiking.
Another change took place in our heads as well around 55 or so. I had always loved acquiring and seeking out antiques and unique things and decorating. I always prided myself on the style and organization and cleanliness of our home and yard, but in a matter of weeks I realized ‘things’ were just not important to me anymore. My husband was feeling the same. Instead, we figured we had potentially 25 good years ahead—why take them up with cleaning, cooking, yard work, and shopping? We would rather spend it having experiences instead.
Our son has decided to come with us after graduation as jobs are more plentiful and he still has good friends in AZ, but our daughter is none too pleased.
If your dreams don’t pan out to what you hoped, you cannot be afraid to try another dream.
We are discarding most of our things—from Gram’s wedding dress to Grandpop’s hand carved cribbage board. Some will go to daughter, some to other relatives, and a lot to charity. We are keeping only a few things that are fresh, bright, and forward focused.
Sorry for the novel. I just wanted to say, overall, that sometimes what you think you have wanted is not really what you want anymore. Time passes and you change. You have to reevaluate your dreams as well.
I hope it works out perfectly for your friends, but if it does not, please let them know it’s OK to dream again.
Thank you for sharing your story. I totally get what you’re saying. We experienced the same thing. You can hold onto a dream, make it happen, then realize it isn’t working. It isn’t enhancing the quality of your life, and what once seemed so important simply isn’t anymore. My friend bought a smaller, more-manageable house and appears quite comfortable and happy. She and her husband are able to travel and do all the things they always wanted to do because they now have time and money. It’s a good life.
Sounds like a good decision for me. If they have the money, why not?
I think this sounds so exciting, and I can totally understand your friend’s desire for the home of her dreams. If I could, I would redecorate my home completely every few years – I love the challenge and excitement of new colors, fabrics and furniture. Good for her!
I would also redecorate every other year if I could. My tastes change, and I’m always finding something new I’d love to try in my home.
I wrote this post a while ago for Our Empty Nest. Since that time, my friend and her husband settled on a nice-sized 3-bedroom, 2 1/2 bath ranch on an acre of land. It’s not what she originally had in mind, but she appears satisfied. She’s done quite a bit with the yard and interior. She has a real flair for decorating. No birds flying free, but there’s plenty of room for her copper. The place looks great!